I honestly dont understand him.
He says he loves me but when something bothers me, he doesn't try to make me happy. He is only ever thinking of himself and that just drives me crazy. I just want to scream at him to get it through his thick skull that yeah I am a person too and yes I have feelings. It's not that hard to understand to me it's kinda obvious.
So here i am waiting for him to come home again.. I am always doing this. I wish it wasn't this way, i wish that he would care about me as much as I care about him.
I send him love letters in the mail I send him thoughtful emails I remember our anniversary all the time!
Yet why can't I get the same thing back?
The funny thing is that he says things like, well I'm happy in this relationship. OF COURSE YOU ARE!! he's taking and taking and taking and im giving and giving... but not receiving. Never am I on the receiving side.
Something inside me tells me I should leave him but I dont.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
~*♥*~ Wonderful Wonderland ~*♥*~
Sorry to my one and only follower for not posting on my blog lately (lol) I have been quite busy this past month.
I went to Wonderland with Mr. D and had a blast!! Only a few complaints but that's okay.
When they say "sunny" in toronto they mean, yeah it's sunny.. with a maximum coverage of smog. No sun all the three days there. I left for Deep River, which is where Mr. D lives, on June 5th which lead to his birthday on June 6th which was so much fun and I will be posting pictures later. Then we left for T-dot on the 8th returning on the 10th and he just left about two hours ago to go home, after sleeping over for the night.
What shocked me though was the fact that my mother, who still thinks I have an umbillical cord connecting us (I say that with all the love in my heart) actually let us sleep in the same room at my place. I guess she understood that I respect her enough to abide by her wishes in the sense that Damien sleeps on the floor me in my bed... well... I changed it up but I wanted him to be comfier so I gave him my bed :)
All in all it was mega fun.
p.s. Totally rode the Behemoth... twice.
I went to Wonderland with Mr. D and had a blast!! Only a few complaints but that's okay.
When they say "sunny" in toronto they mean, yeah it's sunny.. with a maximum coverage of smog. No sun all the three days there. I left for Deep River, which is where Mr. D lives, on June 5th which lead to his birthday on June 6th which was so much fun and I will be posting pictures later. Then we left for T-dot on the 8th returning on the 10th and he just left about two hours ago to go home, after sleeping over for the night.
What shocked me though was the fact that my mother, who still thinks I have an umbillical cord connecting us (I say that with all the love in my heart) actually let us sleep in the same room at my place. I guess she understood that I respect her enough to abide by her wishes in the sense that Damien sleeps on the floor me in my bed... well... I changed it up but I wanted him to be comfier so I gave him my bed :)
All in all it was mega fun.
p.s. Totally rode the Behemoth... twice.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
*Oink*
I have a feeling that my days are numbered.
Disregarding my tumor and the constant stomach aches, this is serious...
We are at a level 5 out of 6 pandemic and I believe I have it.
The symptoms of the swine flu are:
I wonder if they have a cure yet... probably not.
And what if really, they say they have a cure, but in fact it is a poison that will kill half the race to make it easier for the government to control us?
Just a thought. Let me sleep on it, if i don`t die before I wake up.
Disregarding my tumor and the constant stomach aches, this is serious...
We are at a level 5 out of 6 pandemic and I believe I have it.
The symptoms of the swine flu are:
- Headaches
- Lack of appetite
- Lack of sleep
- Fatigue
- Dizziness
- Sore throat
- Coughing
I wonder if they have a cure yet... probably not.
And what if really, they say they have a cure, but in fact it is a poison that will kill half the race to make it easier for the government to control us?
Just a thought. Let me sleep on it, if i don`t die before I wake up.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Fighting The Urge To Say No...
I just had the worst day I have ever had in weeks, and I don't even know where to start.
With D, I suppose, seeing as he's the reason for the season right?
I just... don't know.
Today was our one year and one month engagement. He forgot. Now, I know, it's not SUCH a big deal. It's one year and one month, not one year. But it still hurt. A lot. To add insult to injury, he remembered his best friends birthday. By bestfriend I mean someone he hasn't spoken to in a year maybe two. I just don't get it.
Also, he went to work today (supposed to finish at one) and I didn't hear from him until 3! BECAUSE I CALLED HIM!!!
His response: Oh, I had to go for an interview and I had to pay for the car and I am now cleaning it.
How easy is it for him to send me a text saying that he will be busy? Like I don't think I am asking for much!!
And when he doesn't text, I feel like he just doesn't respect me enough to tell me where he's going. He wants a life where he doesn't have to tell anyone where he is going and he just goes there and no one can tell him nothing about it.
If he wants that, he shouldn't be dating me.
I don't know what I am going to do about all this, I think I've had enough but I just love him so much... If only.....
By the way, finished the book.
With D, I suppose, seeing as he's the reason for the season right?
I just... don't know.
Today was our one year and one month engagement. He forgot. Now, I know, it's not SUCH a big deal. It's one year and one month, not one year. But it still hurt. A lot. To add insult to injury, he remembered his best friends birthday. By bestfriend I mean someone he hasn't spoken to in a year maybe two. I just don't get it.
Also, he went to work today (supposed to finish at one) and I didn't hear from him until 3! BECAUSE I CALLED HIM!!!
His response: Oh, I had to go for an interview and I had to pay for the car and I am now cleaning it.
How easy is it for him to send me a text saying that he will be busy? Like I don't think I am asking for much!!
And when he doesn't text, I feel like he just doesn't respect me enough to tell me where he's going. He wants a life where he doesn't have to tell anyone where he is going and he just goes there and no one can tell him nothing about it.
If he wants that, he shouldn't be dating me.
I don't know what I am going to do about all this, I think I've had enough but I just love him so much... If only.....
By the way, finished the book.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Two years too long
So tomorrow is me and Damien's two year anniversary. In other words, my lifestarted two years ago tomorrow.
I'm excited.
I love him eternally, he is my everything and I am so greatful to have him in my life.
When I look back on the years that have past, I wonder to myself....
How did I do it without him?
How did I live? How did I not break down....
I did. A lot. And finally I had lost all hope.
But then I thought of him... his smile, his voice, his laugh and humour, the way he said my name with love in his voice and pride in his voice. Love. Pride. For me. Me.
I never really thought it was possible two years ago. Before I met him, i was going down a small spiral slide down down down down.. into nothingness. I was helpless and scared and wrong. Always wrong.
Tonight, I am dedicating my night to him. Thinking about him and what he has done for me and appreciating him for who he is and who he will become. He has so much potential and I am going to be here for him as much as I can.
I love him
Happy two year anniversary my love
I'm excited.
I love him eternally, he is my everything and I am so greatful to have him in my life.
When I look back on the years that have past, I wonder to myself....
How did I do it without him?
How did I live? How did I not break down....
I did. A lot. And finally I had lost all hope.
But then I thought of him... his smile, his voice, his laugh and humour, the way he said my name with love in his voice and pride in his voice. Love. Pride. For me. Me.
I never really thought it was possible two years ago. Before I met him, i was going down a small spiral slide down down down down.. into nothingness. I was helpless and scared and wrong. Always wrong.
Tonight, I am dedicating my night to him. Thinking about him and what he has done for me and appreciating him for who he is and who he will become. He has so much potential and I am going to be here for him as much as I can.
I love him
Happy two year anniversary my love
Friday, March 27, 2009
What is love? Baby don't hurt me... Don't hurt me.
I found this quote and the moment I saw it I felt confused. All of it is what i want, but i asked myself .. is this what D is like?
"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her..."
Just reading it makes me feel like this is what I want.
But i also want poverty to end in the world and hunger to be no more then a memory...
"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her..."
Just reading it makes me feel like this is what I want.
But i also want poverty to end in the world and hunger to be no more then a memory...
A SunFlower Seeds Kinda Day
Today I bought sunflower seeds. Turns out, it was a good idea. The weather man made Hamburger Helper... for me... a (kinda) vegetarian...
I am in the mood to release. I find that this site is good for such things, I need to shed the bad feelings that dwell within my heart to help in any way to lift off the weight I feel daily.
And Jenny Craig can't help THIS weight, no ma'am.
So here I go, my vent, if you do not wish to have negative thoughts, I'd advise you to turn away.
Where to start, well with the most recent i suppose, I'm in trouble for not having enough money for my bus pass. It's $130, I get paid $35 dollars weekly. That's $140 a month. I would have to save all my money up to afford it, and not eat, or have books, or photo copy the legal documents (About 5 bucks a day on those things). I'm getting confused and cranky. Why don't they help me? isn't that what parents are for? When I'm in need they help me? Indeed?
Well apparently not. So how am i going to get a school (Good question Tom, lets here a word from our sponsors)
My mom suggests I get a new job, I don't think she realizes the stress I am under.
Meanwhile, money that I gave my mother seems to have gone missing, my taxes where not filled FOR me but instead the weather man took the money, and yet I have to take care of my own stuff? Unbelievable.
I wish i could find a job as a secretary. Answer phone, book appointments, schedule people, help people with questions. I think that would be "fun".
For now, I am sitting here, eating my sunflower seed (hiding them so they dont find out) feeling unsafe in my own home and wondering if the little one across the hall feels the same, while he watches Donkey Kong the movie on VHS.
By the way, I'm now on page 470.
I feel like giving up on everything..... but I still wonder..
I am in the mood to release. I find that this site is good for such things, I need to shed the bad feelings that dwell within my heart to help in any way to lift off the weight I feel daily.
And Jenny Craig can't help THIS weight, no ma'am.
So here I go, my vent, if you do not wish to have negative thoughts, I'd advise you to turn away.
Where to start, well with the most recent i suppose, I'm in trouble for not having enough money for my bus pass. It's $130, I get paid $35 dollars weekly. That's $140 a month. I would have to save all my money up to afford it, and not eat, or have books, or photo copy the legal documents (About 5 bucks a day on those things). I'm getting confused and cranky. Why don't they help me? isn't that what parents are for? When I'm in need they help me? Indeed?
Well apparently not. So how am i going to get a school (Good question Tom, lets here a word from our sponsors)
My mom suggests I get a new job, I don't think she realizes the stress I am under.
Meanwhile, money that I gave my mother seems to have gone missing, my taxes where not filled FOR me but instead the weather man took the money, and yet I have to take care of my own stuff? Unbelievable.
I wish i could find a job as a secretary. Answer phone, book appointments, schedule people, help people with questions. I think that would be "fun".
For now, I am sitting here, eating my sunflower seed (hiding them so they dont find out) feeling unsafe in my own home and wondering if the little one across the hall feels the same, while he watches Donkey Kong the movie on VHS.
By the way, I'm now on page 470.
I feel like giving up on everything..... but I still wonder..
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